So, here I am… writing a blog, well hopefully. I’ve never written one before, so who knows.

I have always enjoyed writing and I have entertained the idea of writing a blog for a few years. I’m not much for following trends, so for all I know they’re probably out of fashion by now.

I’ll tell you a little bit about myself. I’m reasonably computer savvy, or so I thought, but I’m buggered if I know what I’m doing trying to set up a blog. Just saying. Anyway, one thing you’ll notice is that I tend to digress, my head is very full of stuff and sometimes I go on a tangent. Oh look, I did it already.

My name is Nickie Pepper and I’m 43 years old. I live in Christchurch, New Zealand, with my partner Mike. We have lived here for 9 years and I think this is one of the first times I haven’t said but we’re originally from Hamilton. Oh wait, I just said it.

I like nature, bike riding, taking photos and recently I have got my reading mojo back, which is pretty cool. I decided to write this blog as I have a lot to say and I feel this strong pull that some of the stuff I’ve been through should be shared, if not to help myself heal but maybe to help others. I have this strong sense that I’m here on this earth to help people. That probably sounds cheesy, but I don’t care. That’s honestly how I feel.

One thing I haven’t shared yet is that for the last 5 years, Mike and I have been trying to start a family. I would be lying if I said it’s been easy. I don’t know if you’re allowed to swear, but if I’m honest, I would have to say it’s been hard as f*@k. There have been times where I felt like I might break.

Throughout these last 5 years, I have turned my world upside down to figure out why I haven’t been able to get pregnant (well we did once, but will save that for another time). I tell you, I have looked at nearly every aspect of my life. They say that everything happens for a reason and sometimes that seems like bullshit, but if I’m honest this journey has made me a better person.

A couple of years ago, one of my colleagues told me she’d read an article about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I started looking into this and I was really shocked. Wow, this is totally me. About 20% of people have HSP traits. The thing that struck me the most, is that being an HSP isn’t just about your emotions, it goes much deeper than that. It can affect all of your senses. It’s like the penny dropped! The upset tummies, the rashes, the aversion to strong perfumes (I sometimes have to pinch my nose down the supermarket aisle where the laundry powder is). The list goes on, being startled easily and an aversion to bright lights etc. I always thought I loved sunglasses for vanity reasons but who knew. Got to keep those crows feet at bay though.

You may be thinking this HSP business doesn’t sound very cool, but I can tell you it has its advantages. Like that time I smelt the gas leak 30 minutes before the building got evacuated. Mike reckons I can smell his farts before they’ve even exited him, I’m not sure that’s a good thing though. Yes, I did just write that.

Anyway, there are other cool things about HSP’s. We are very empathetic, self aware, and have great intuition. I don’t know if I’m selling this, but we are great humans to have around. We know if things are getting you down and if you need to talk, we’ll know just the right thing to say, to bring you some comfort. We care and when you’re upset, we’re upset too. We get overwhelmed easily at times because there is so much going on inside our heads and in the world around us. I don’t watch the news much anymore, it is better for my mental health.

I thought being sensitive was a life sentence, sometimes I feel so engulfed by my feelings. When I was a kid my sensitivity was frowned upon and I remember people apologizing on by behalf saying “sorry, she’s just sensitive”. I was deeply ashamed for a long time with how easily I would cry and it was the source of embarrassment for years. I try to embrace my sensitivities these days but those old insecurities are still there. I personally think it takes a lot more balls to be vulnerable and be yourself, rather than to hold your feelings in.

For me, the biggest day to day challenge is to manage those overwhelming feelings and not letting myself go down the rabbit hole. For the longest time, I felt like I had no power over my anxiety and depression, but I have learnt that I do. When I started to focus on all that was going well in my life, I started to notice a change in how I felt. The young girl who had a glint in her eye and a cheeky chuckle was starting to reemerge and the girl (I don’t consider myself a lady) who was focusing on all that was going wrong and felt deeply sad, started to disappear.

I’m not going to lie, I lost that girl for a large chunk of this year but she’s back and that sparkle is reemerging.

If you got this far, I commend you. One thing I forgot to mention is that HSP’s are those folks who send dreadfully long text messages. Guilty as charged! I think that is my way of trying to explain to you what you can expect from my writing. Oh yeah, another HSP thing, we always feel like we need to explain ourselves to people.

Anyway, I feel like that’s enough for you to digest for today.

If for some reason you had a shit day today and you’re reading this, I just want you to know that things can get better.

In case you do need a bit of a chuckle, I’ve included a picture of Mike at the supermarket pretending to be the toilet paper bandit. You will probably come to realise that my sense of humour is incredibly immature, but I’m okay with that.

Nickie