When things finished off in my last blog it was around 1997 and I would of been nineteen. It had been one hell of a ride in that six months to a year and I can see now that some of the things that happened entrenched my anxiety even further.

It blows my mind that I went through so much and that some heavy stuff happened when I was technically still a teenager.

I can’t say I’ve ever delved too deeply into what deems a person to be a teenager but it was kind of funny when I realized it directly correlates to ones age. As soon as you turn thir”teen”, you can officially be classed as a teenager and you are in your teens until you are nine”teen”.

If you had said to me when I was nineteen that I was a teenager, I would have thought you were mad. When it comes to maturity, age is a factor but we all know that maturity doesn’t always align with age. My sense of humour is hopelessly immature and when I think back to my teens, I thought I was mature, which is laughable and I cringe at some of the things I did.

Things started to even out for me thank goodness, though back in those days, I think I was quite restless. We didn’t stay in our first flat for too long and decided to “upgrade” to a house.

When I say upgrade, the house we moved to was pretty old. We affectionately referred to the house as the “pink house”, as the exterior was painted a gaudy shade of pink (awfully original nickname I know). The landlord had to get more electricity points installed in the house and the claw foot bath was removed in favour of a modern shower, just so we could move in. The kitchen had an old wetback fire, a food safe and the toilet was outside near the back entrance. For a person who has a nervous bladder it was not much fun visiting the toilet in winter or in the dead of night.

It was a bit of a party house and we seemed to have revolving flatmates as couples would move in and out. We had some bloody good parties that’s for sure and on occasion we would have dress up themes which I absolutely loved.

There were some good times for sure, but there were also some bad times and we drank pretty excessively during those days. There were definitely some nights when I woke up a bit foggy the next morning. The house itself had no natural light and I feel like there was something dark about it.

After a while we decided to move again but this time I was seeking the quieter life and for a while we lived by ourselves slightly out of town. The place we lived in was kind of rural and very basic and I don’t think I would be too harsh in referring to it as a shack. I can’t remember how long we lived out there but after a while I was bored again and we decided to move back into town and get a flatmate. The house was a big upgrade and had beautiful polished floors. When I think back to the previous places we had lived in they make me feel a bit icky because they were a bit dingy.

I was always in charge of the finances for our flats and I carefully budgeted how much everything would cost per month and then would work out how much the equal share for the costs would be so we all could make a weekly payment which would cover all the bills. I took the self-appointed role seriously and I made sure the cheque book balanced to the cent.

I think my control issues were definitely in full swing at this point. I had all of these strategies in place to try and make sure things didn’t go wrong, like they had when I had accidentally become pregnant and I had no idea I was living in a state of anxiety most of the time. Money was definitely something I worried about, but then if I am honest I seemed to find things to worry about (not on purpose though).

By now it’s 1998 and things have been going really well at work, despite the bumpy start. I was never an ambitious person when it came to my career. My goal was to work in an office and I was doing that. Somehow or another I always ended up getting myself into a position where I was promoted. I remember the first time I was asked to change jobs. The salesman and sales administrator had up and left. From memory there was a high turnover of sales people over the years. The boss had a bit of a temper and there were occasions where he would butt heads with employees and there would be an exodus of staff. The boss had recruited one of the IT guys into the vacant sales position but the reality was that he was completely out of his comfort zone and while it was temporary he was in a spot of bother. I remember hearing them talking about needing to create a credit note and I piped up “I know how to create one”. The strange thing is that I don’t why I knew how to do that as I didn’t create invoices either. I guess I just knew the system well enough that I knew I could figure it out. The next thing I knew, I was being moved into the sales administration role. I wasn’t interested in moving and there was quite a lot of resistance from me, but in the end it was good for my confidence and I don’t think I minded the pay rise.

Later that year, I turned 21 and I was fortunate to be gifted a sum of money which I used towards the purchase of a pretty modest used car for myself (my first one). At that stage, I only had my learner license so I was doing things all out of order. I thought I better book my restricted license in, so that I was legal to drive the car without a supervisor. The driver license place was just down the road from work so I went down at lunchtime to take my test. My workmate drove me down there as I didn’t want anyone to see I was driving illegally and we put his bike in the boot so he could ride back to work while I took the driving test. I was rather chuffed when the tester commented on my excellent driving skills and drove back to work with my new driver’s license and a huge grin on my face. Much to my embarrassment, when I got back to work and parked up against the building I didn’t see the tap which was sticking out of the wall and I tapped the license plate and the plastic surround fell off. I remember looking around to see if anybody noticed and feeling so silly. I think my ego was a little dented too.

I absolutely loved owning a car and it was something I had dreamed off since I was a young teenager. My dad was always a car nut, so no surprises there. I was pretty late getting a car though, but I guess I hadn’t needed one as I could drive my boyfriends car. The independence it gave me was wonderful and the confidence too. There was one small issue with owning a car, it meant I didn’t do much exercise anymore. I had always been so slim I didn’t realize this was because I walked and rode my bike most places. Now I drove 500m to the dairy, because I could.

My workmates were pretty awesome people to be around. For my 21st birthday they absolutely spoiled me with a beautiful candle, a candelabra with candles and a bunch of sunflowers. I still love sunflowers and candles to this day. In the last few years I have started collecting icicle candles made by Living Lights and I was rather surprised when I found a label on my 21st candle to say it was made by Living Lights. In fact it was one of the first candles they made when they started the business 23 years ago.

Like a lot of workplaces there would often be a few shenanigans. I remember one time when I was working late and my office phone rang. It was one of my workmates and he said “hey, can you pop over to my work bench and see if I left my wallet there?”. Of course I said yes and I trotted off to the research and development (r & d) area where they tested computer stuff and looked all around the bench, but to no avail. When I got back to the phone I could hear him and another workmate laughing. Apparently they had been testing a web camera doing a live feed or something and they were most amused to see me wondering around looking for a wallet which was safely at home with its owner. Luckily I could see the funny side and I never minded when the story was repeated.

There were other funny moments too like the time one of my colleagues misheard a question. Somebody had said “have you seen the nibbler?” (a cable crimping tool) and my workmate says proudly “she is in her office”. Next thing I know, I’m walking through the factory and everybody is yelling out “hey nibbler!”. I was wondering what the hell everybody was going on about and I’m thinking to myself is there some sort of sexual connotation going on here? I have no doubt I would have been blushing like there was no tomorrow. Thankfully somebody filled me in on the joke and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I would often join some of the guys for lunch and before I owned a car I would hitch a ride with them to have lunch at their house. On one occasion, the guys car wouldn’t start. I said “oh we’ll have to push start it”. They looked at me with big wide eyes and then I realized they didn’t know what I meant. I said “ok, well I’ll jump into the driver’s seat and get the car going, while you guys push the car”. I turned the key so it was one click off turning over, pushed the clutch in and stuck the car into second gear and after they started pushing I let the clutch out, accelerated and turned the key simultaneously pretty much and boom the car was going. I guess all those times I hung out with dad while he was tinkering with the cars paid off. I certainly thought I was “the man” after that.

On another occasion, I drove my own car (recently purchased) when we went out for lunch. We were racing our cars around the lake. Just as I was speeding around the corner some ducks walked out. I screeched my car to a halt and I hopped out to see my tyres smoking and the ducks had disappeared. I looked under and around the car but to no avail. I was relieved to find no feathers or blood so had to assume/hope they made a quick get away. When we got back to work I had earned myself a new nickname and now nibbler was replaced by Quack Quack. If the truth be told, I enjoyed the attention as it wasn’t something I was used to.

Before long, the company was going through a growth spurt and once again I stumbled into another promotion. I now had my own team of staff. As part of the expansion we needed more staff and I instantly thought of my sister. It was a bit of a risk as we weren’t close and I had no idea what her work ethic would be like. As it turned out she was a natural and a fantastic worker. She did unfortunately bare the brunt of my “telling offs” as I was no good at dealing with confrontations or errors. I would then feel guilty and end up apologizing loudly in front of the other team members.

It was the start of a beautiful friendship with my sister. As children we didn’t have a close relationship and even though I was three years older than her she used to pick on me. She had this innate ability to piss anybody off and test the patience of a saint as they say. It was lovely to see a different side of her and neat to see her grow in the job and our relationship blossom.

Before long, we were on the move again and my boyfriend, flatmate and I decided to move into a larger house. We invited my cousin who was newly single and my boyfriends friend to join us. It was an interesting dynamic for us all, especially for me and my boyfriend who were now living with three single folk. I would have my 22nd birthday at that house (1999) and boy did we know how to party.

The house was situated on the edge of a farm block and there were large expanses around us (not to mention we lived next door to the organic recycling plant.. pooey). It was at that time I became interested in photography as one of my flatmates owned a camera shop and he gave me lots of tips. I loved roaming around the place and I would find that I had a good eye for photography and I absolutely loved taking sunset photos. I would venture out every ten minutes to see the sky changing colour and it filled my heart with joy. The best part was that there were no houses blocking the view and we had a clear view all the way to Pirongia mountain.

After a while I would become restless and I would get sick of all the boozing. Our house always had extra people staying the night and the back door would be swinging open and closed at all times of night on the weekend. The flatmates and their mates would come home and sometimes the parties would continue and I remember feeling quite aggravated about it all as I was usually in bed.

It must of been in the early 2000’s that I escalated my mental health challenges with the doctor. By this stage I had had depression, anxiety and insomnia for half my life. The doctor formally diagnosed me with depression and I remember at the time feeling so distraught by the diagnosis and crying about it. I was eventually sent to a psychologist who explained some techniques to me on how to manage anxious feelings. I remember being so intrigued as he had moons on his eyes too, except his were above and below his irises (mine are to the left and right of my irises). He was the first person I met with this condition. His techniques were good but I guess they didn’t actually manage the problem as I would continue to have issues even after trying different kinds of antidepressants (over the years). I’m not sure why I only had one appointment as it’s not like one hour can untangle ten years of issues.

After a while I was restless again and my boyfriend and I were making arrangements to move to another house, along with his brother. I find it rather interesting that after living together by ourselves only once that every time I craved the quieter life we always had a flatmate. I obviously got lonely with just the two of us or was there a deficit in our relationship and another person filled a void? For a long time we had a pretty happy relationship but we didn’t really discuss the future and it was a strange time towards the end. I remember looking at him one day and he had grown a mustache and it was like I didn’t recognize him. I felt this huge disconnect like our relationship wasn’t right or I didn’t love him anymore.

Prior to us moving, I had come in touch again with a guy who I’d had a little bit of a crush on a few years earlier. He was visiting our house to see his brother and he was having quite an effect on me. When we moved to our new house I started communicating with him by email. Things escalated quickly and I’m embarrassed to say on one occasion at least we met up. While we didn’t have a physical relationship, I think it’s fair to say I was having an emotional affair. It was incredibly awkward when some roses turned up to work and they weren’t from my boyfriend. He made me feel sexy and I guess my relationship had become stagnant after nearly six years. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I had ever really been pursued romantically so it would of given my ego a huge boost. Given that my feelings had changed for my boyfriend, I decided to leave him and started up a relationship with this other guy. It all happened really quickly and we hadn’t long moved to the new house.

Back in those days I relied heavily on compliments and attention from other people to boost my self esteem. My confidence at work was pretty solid (in terms of my abilities) but when it came to my appearance I didn’t think I was good enough. Everybody says you have to love yourself and it sounds like such a cliché but it’s not really. I just wish I knew then the importance of not needing validation of my worth from anybody other than myself. It’s still a work in progress to be honest.

It’s crazy thinking back to that time, with all of the emotions coming back. The anxiety, the stress, the guilt and the swiftness in which I ended my first long-term relationship. My actions almost seems ruthless, which is not something I would ever think of myself. I always thought of myself as a selfless and caring person but maybe there were times where that wasn’t true. In saying that, I thought I was in love and following my heart and that was what was best for me. I suspect the relationship was at a turning point anyway and I just sped up the demise, although I would find out later we had different views on where the relationship was heading.

At this stage it was now 2001 and I was nearly twenty four. I’ll talk more about the consequences of my actions in my next blog and the tumultuous time which followed as I stepped into a different phase of my life.